Going Dutch.

It seems our partner for the last 300 years is no longer content within our relationship. The tribes beyond the wall are acting up again and shouting about independence. That old jibe ' remember Bannockburn' has been taken up by a new generation. It's true to say that those blue faced terrors north of the boarder have been causing trouble since roman times, that's why they built the wall in the first place. I say enough is enough and we should resolve the problem once and for all. I say we should sell Scotland off.

The idea is not as daft as it sounds. Our Monarch and the Prince of Wales own vast tracts of land in Scotland and it's a safe bet that the other peers of the realm, the financial institutions and the Vatican also own large chunks of it. The rest can be bought by compulsory purchase. Let's face it, most of it is heather and sheep. In times gone by countries would often sell or gift land to other countries so there is a historical and legal precedence for it. But who would want to buy a large, mountainous and sparsely populated country? The Dutch, that's who.

The generally accepted wisdom is that sea levels are rising. This means that it won't be long before those famous Dutch dikes are breached and the whole country will be underwater. Those wonderful Dutch folk will have no choice but to go and live in Germany or France. They will become a dispossessed people spread across the landscape of Europe. Surely the better option for them would be to buy a new home; one that isn't flat and is big enough to accommodate the entire population. They could start a resettlement program almost immediately and by the time they need to leave their homeland, Scotland would be a home from home. The lowlands would make excellent tulip fields and all that wind Scotland is prone to would probably double Windmill productivity. They might need to get rid of their bikes and all that rain would play havoc with their wooden clogs but they would still have a coastline bordering their beloved North Sea.

The current natives would soon get used to persons of questionable gender parading in their windows wearing scanty underwear. I've heard it's very tasteful so it's classier than their current arrangements. I'm also sure those legal drug cafes will attract custom from the indigenous population. There will, of course, be an issue with the language but being as the locals are unintelligible anyway when speaking English there won't be much difference.

From the English point of view this all makes sound economic and cultural sense. The money raised from the sale would make a huge dent in our national debt meaning the end of Cameron's 'austerity measures'; it'll be spend, spend, spend. We will be able to go on holiday to a foreign country without have to cross the sea. Folks living in the north of England will be able to hop across the border to sample the more relaxed approach to sex and drugs. Margaret Thatcher has already stolen most of the North Sea oil so there is no economic loss to the transaction. The best benefit of all is that we won't have to put up with their perpetual whinging any longer. What's in it for Alex Salmond and the Scots?... who cares? Mind you, they might finally manage to produce a decent football player.