What's in a Name.

We went out to dinner the other evening and Dearly Beloved had to get some cash out from the ATM. She put her card in, punched in the pin, the card was returned and we waited for the money, then we waited a little longer and then a little longer and still no money appeared. The machine thanked us for our custom and kindly advised us to insert our card in to begin the transaction. We certainly wanted to insert something into its smug little slot but it wasn't our cards. The problem with this is not that we didn't have any money; it's that she'd have to phone the bank to sort it out.

You can always tell when you are speaking to a foreign call centre. They always sound as if they're very far away (which they are) and the call-taker speaks in English with a peculiar accent which is a blend of Asian and American. They also pronounce our name wrong, Mead. It's not an uncommon name but it's always pronounced 'med' as in Head. Ooh Mr Med they say, it's Meed I say, I'm Sorry Mr Med, they reply. I don't really mind although it really annoys the wife. If Mr Head rings up they probably pronounce it heed and get corrected again. I appreciate that the English language is difficult but how do they cope with names such as Beaumont, Creighton, or Farquharson especially when delivered with a heavy regional accent.

In one of my previous incarnations I used to deal with people from India and Bangladesh and they always use to call me Mr Steven. Indians can have any number of names although there are only about a dozen to choose from in total and the family name doesn't have to be at the end. I have noticed over time that Asian names have become more westernized in this respect and they generally put the family name last although they still have at least four names each.

'What terrible snow we are having isn't it.'

Pity the poor Polish living in this country. They have names that consist of combinations of letters that are a scrabble players nightmare, all z's and c' and y's and are almost unpronounceable. I have had occasion to ask a Polish person to spell their name which threw them into delightful confusion. The polish alphabet has thirty two letters with three different types of Zs and two each of C, N and Ls. It just doesn't translate; there are no equivalents in English. How would our Asian call taker handle Szczepan Skrzypczak for example?

I love Sri-lanken names, they often have at least ten letters in the first name and another ten in the second and often many more. At first glance they are daunting to pronounce but they are actually phonetic. If you pronounce it how it sounds you can't go wrong. Try 'Velupillai Prabhakaran' on for size.

Other countries have naming traditions which we don't get in this country. In predominately Catholic countries where babies are traditionally named after saints you get a Name Day which is like an extra birthday. It seems like the Catholics in this country are missing out on a lifetimes worth of extra presents. The downside is that as there are only 365 days a year, if you want your child to have a name day there are only 132 names you can choose from if you discount the names for the opposite sex. That's why there is nobody called Skyblue, Rocky or Apple in France and everyone in Corfu is called Spiros as he is the Island's special saint.

In Sweden, your child's name has to be approved by the government for its appropriateness. You have five years to register it or face a 5000 kroner fine and a court appearance. One young family seems to have got away with 'Metallica' though after a court battle. I can just hear it now ' Hi, my names Metallica Pantera Byquist and I've lost my bank card.