Christmas Jumpering.

I don't wear jumpers, they are the most un-stylish garment of all and I am far too elegant to don such an item. Further to that, I am usually too warm so I boil in one. I bought a sweater once in the early 80s, it was a chunky cable knit thing and I looked such a twat in it I never bought another. The other reason I don't wear them is that a tight jumper accentuates my beer belly and the loose ones make me look like a fat bastard trying to cover it up. Jumpers and I don't get on hence my deep concern regarding the rise in popularity of the christmas version of this abhorrent knitwear.  

From my own personal, historical perspective the rise of the christmas jumper began with the film ' Bridget Jones' Diary' where Darcy is seen wearing a ridiculous sweater with a reindeer on it. He looked suitably embarrassed and Bridget mocked him for it quite rightly. Since then, and probably because of many repeats of this brilliant film the christmas jumper has morphed into the ' must have, fun thing to wear' and is no longer an Item for ridicule. 

This year has seen the christmas jumper take a particularly unwelcome and insidious turn. It has now been promoted to the heady heights of a 'fun charity fund- raiser.' There are posters up all over work asking me to wear a jumper in aid of charity. The question is, do I not wear one and seem a miserable, miserly curmudgeon or do I bite the bullet and go and buy one, with the additional expense of a donation to charity? I seem to have been checkmated by knitwear.

I suspect a government plot behind this to boost the economy by ensuring everyone has to buy this woollen garment. After all, where did this Idea for a national Charity jumper wearing event come from? I expect they have agents out there monitoring non-compliance. In fact, I'm sad to say that my most excellent friend, drinking buddy and all-round great bloke, Neil has already posted a picture on farcebook wearing his; hence he must be one of them. I'm expecting a knock on my door any day now from Neil and his shadowy henchmen in Christmas jumpers demanding to see mine.

I must confess that Dearly Beloved and I have given such jumpers as presents this year and there is a very good chance that I will receive one. In many ways that would be excellent as it means I won't have the indignity of going to buy one, I shall be equipped for future charity events and I will have something to show the Shadowy men should they knock. Still, the fact remains that I have been bested by my old enemy the jumper. What is the world coming to? 

PS; Please feel free to inform me of your own personal history of the rise of the christmas jumper.

PPS: in case you were wondering, I didn't wear one and everyone thinks I'm a miserly curmudgeon... but then they did anyway. 

The Ghost of Christmas Present.

Last week, some cheeky blighter had the audacity to try and tell me Father Christmas doesn't exist, that he was a figment of the imagination and that my parents had been lying to me. This fellow was clearly a deranged madman but I took pity on him and rather than send him packing I tried to explain the error of his ways. 

'There are plenty of pictures of the great man,' I said, 'some in his modern red attire as devised by Coca Cola and then in his more traditional green outfit from his pagan deity days. Even from his Saint Nicolas days in the fourth century when he was a Greek Christian bishop in the Byzantine Empire famous for his extravagant charitable acts. Yes the image has changed over the years but the Character is a real as any historical character whose legacy lives on, people such as Plato and Aristotle whose ideas have inspired the world.'

'But he doesn't live in the North Pole with his elves making toys' countered the doubting thomas. 'Of course not you imbecile' I said, 'There's no electricity up there for one thing and the logistics would be a nightmare. However, he does have factories the world over producing goods whose only purpose is to be given as presents. Pointless items which serve no purpose except to be given to someone. Christmas jumpers, crackers with cheap plastic toys, stocking fillers, soap on a rope which is exactly what the elves are supposed to do. Hundreds of thousands of people the world over are employed to make Christmas related tat. They are not elves but Father Christmas employs them all and feeds their families. Is that not real?'

'You can't deny that many people go out of their way to help their fellow man at Christmas. The Christmas spirit is a palpable thing. It's an ethos or concept similar to those that drive Medicens Sans Frontiere, Save the Children or Greenpeace. Would you say their ethos is not real? If it were removed they may as well pack up and go home because it's the reason they exist. What makes Christmas spirit less real than these?'

'A thing doesn't have to have a physical entity to make it true, Santa's influence is no less measurable than global warming, black holes or quantum physics or even music, you can't photograph it but that doesn't mean it isn't there. He is more real than a hermit who lives in his house and never see's anyone and never goes out because he has more influence in the world.'

As for visiting every house on Christmas Eve, he does although not in person but in spirit. It's the same as the picture of God as a kindly, old man living in the sky. It's what they tell children to make it easier for them to understand. Like religion, the actual truth is more sophisticated. Father Christmas enters everyone's lives on Christmas Eve to a greater or lesser degree. Have you ever tried to keep him out, it's impossible. He doesn't come down the chimney, that's just a metaphor for entering through the portal of your heart, mind, or memory. 

So I said to the ignorant detractor, 'you call yourself a man of science, a doctor no less, yet you still refuse to believe the evidence although it is plain to see. Are you unable to make the leap from childish thinking to adult rationalisation because someone said he doesn't exist? It's thinking like that that led to the Flat Earth Society. On every level Father Christmas exists and yet you refuse to acknowledge him for fear of old playground taunts. Shame on you.'

The Doctor shook his head and replied ' Well we are all entitled to our opinions Mr Bill, Now, just let me tighten the straps on your straight jacket and the nurse will be in shortly for your injection. 

The Perfect War

Those of you who read my blog regularly will know that I'm a fan of George Orwell and have read 1984 several times. The reason is that it seems to become more prophetic as time goes on. For those of you not familiar with the book, one of the key elements is that the world is divided into three warring states, Eastasia, Eurasia and Oceania. Britain is in Oceania which is permanently at war with one of the other states with troops purportedly fighting valiantly in some far flung land. They alternate alliances randomly with no one side ever winning or losing. The continuing war effort is the excuse the government uses to keep everyone in near poverty, ensure constant shortages of goods and to bring in draconian measures to spy on the population and prevent movement and thereby possible subversion. The workers are required to attend daily  'two minutes hate' where they watch films and listen to reports designed to stir up hatred and fear of the evil slant-eyed foreigners who eat babies, rape women and carry out obscene atrocities. The government even bomb their own cities from time to time to prevent the public becoming complacent.

I'm not suggesting that the above is going on but I can't help but notice the parallels with Syria.  There are four factions; each with their own patch of land and each fighting for different causes, there is no one common enemy. No one faction has the military might to win a land-based war outright without the assistance of a major power putting boots on the ground and ,understandably, the major powers are unwilling to commit troops. They would much rather bomb them from the air with minimal risk to personnel. The Americans have been bombing for four years and there doesn't seem to be an end to. In fact the opposite seems to be true as it serves as an excellent recruiting tool for ISIS (or DAESH if you prefer) by securing a flood of new recruits. 

There is an argument that war is good for the economy in terms of arms, ammunition and vehicles manufactured then sold. You make something then blow it up so you have to make another one. Britain is a top supplier of arms and you don't get to be top without recognizing a sales opportunity when you see one. Each faction is being supplied by a different major power, even if it's not directly and perhaps some are even supplying more than one. 

So, we have a situation where we have an unwinnable war using a large amount of armaments made by the West and Russia. These powers, including the Saudis, are fighting a war by proxy in the Middle East. There is minimal risk to Western troops thereby avoiding the political opposition generated by pictures of dead and wounded soldiers. It's far enough away so the general public only have a vague idea where it is so it is not a direct threat to them. The terrorist attacks carried out by Islamist extremists cause panic and alarm which gives the politicians a mandate from the public to continue military action and bring in new laws that infringe our civil liberties in ways that would not be tolerated under different circumstances. Although we don't have the daily 'two minutes hate' we do have the press who do an equally efficient job of spreading hate and fear. If they play their cards right and with a bit of careful planning and manipulation, the powers that be can probably keep the war going indefinitely.

I'm not making a political point here and this is nothing new, Orwell foresaw it in 1948. No need to worry though, just remember, War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery and Ignorance is Strength... and Big Brother loves you.