French Farce

Bonjour et bienvenue. Dearly Beloved and I are going to darken the shores of our old enemy France later this year for a week driving around the countryside. I went once before many years ago with some friends on a day trip to Calais. I remember drinking copious quantities of alcohol, ending up in the sea fully clothed and my girlfriend being violently sick on the ferry. I expect this trip will be more refined.

I have always liked the idea of learning another language. I'm easily impressed by anyone of who can waffle on in English and then switch to another lingo without pausing for breath. I remember my Dad trying to learn French with LP records called 'Learn French' where you were asked to repeat all the oohs and Ahhs of the French alphabet by a woman with a BBC accent. I don't know how far he got but perhaps that's where I got the desire from.

Several years ago I went to evening classes to have a serious stab at learning it. I bought all the books and tapes requested and worked quite hard. I attained the heady heights of 'Bucks Open College Level 1' which probably has all the kudos and academic standing of a 25 yard swimming certificate. I haven't been to France since so I haven't had the opportunity to test it out... till now.

Since those heady student days I've managed to lose the tapes but have recently been working through the book reminding myself of all the words and how to ask for slice of strawberry tart. I am currently on section seven explaining to Claudette that I do the washing and Ironing but my wife does the shopping and cooking. I am particularly looking forward to boring some poor French barman with that valuable nugget of information. 

The problem is that I can read the basics but, because I have lost the tapes, I have no idea how to pronounce it. I have tried listening to french language radio but I only recognise about one word in twenty. I could have listened to a whole program about household chores and not realised it. it's beginning to dawn on me that I'm wasting my time.

I have several friends who go to France regularly who posses varying degrees of French aptitude and they seem to survive without getting thrown in jail or causing an international incident so I expect we shall be all right. I have brought the required car accessories to prevent getting an immense fine and the ferry crossing is booked. I shall bring you all back some onions.