The Worlds Uncoolest Man

A work colleague of mine went to a gig the other day. The band comprised of ex members of 10cc, Mott the Hoople and Manfred Man amongst others and they played a selection of songs from these bands. One of the band played for another notable, music luminary and when they announced a song by this particular artist the audience started booing. The band were taken aback by this and told the audience off in no uncertain terms. They explained that this popstar gave most of them their career breaks, was a towering talent who wrote complicated songs and should be duly respected. The problem was that this guy is just not a cool dude.

So who is this artist who has been at the top of the music tree since the early 60s with top ten selling singles and albums to his name? Who is this man who can sell out a stadium in minutes yet the general public still deem to be naff? How is it possible to be a big player in an industry where even the lowly roadie, in fact, even the friend of the roadie is cool and not possess the tiniest smidgen of coolness? It must have been tricky but somehow Cliff Richard has managed it.

I don't mean to knock the mans' music, his longevity can't be argued with. There have been other religious pop stars, Elvis for example and others with more controversial lifestyles than our Cliff yet he fails to raise a single blip on the cool-o-meter. Even the likes of Barry Manilow and Englebert Humperdinck have a modicum of hipness that has totally bypassed Mr Richard. 

I'm sure Cliff is a very nice chap in person and his legion of fanatical, devoted followers will probably disagree with me but I can't help feeling that in ranks of world coolness Cliff is a non-starter. I suspect that when they were lining up to collect their cool in the 60s Tom Jones pushed in front and stole Cliff's share and probably a little of Barry and Englebert's as well. You have to watch those Welsh.

A Load of Old Pony.

Back in the early 1990s the French were so concerned about the incursion of foreign language and culture particularly from the USA that they instigated the 'l'exception cultural'. This meant that there was a strong bias in favour of anything written in French or deemed of French origin. The purpose of this was to actively protect their culture and heritage. Despite the initial furor from the international community other countries including Canada have since followed suit. 

The Welsh have had a fair stab at it by promoting their language at every opportunity and I am sure that if Alex Salmond had his way haggis and kilts would be VAT exempt. However the English have been lagging on this front and it's about time we got started. I'm proposing we begin with cockney rhyming slang.

WANTED
DICK VAN DYKE
For serial cockney mocking.
(Isn't that Bob Hoskins in the background?)

It has been a while since those born within the sound of Bow bells have been down the frog and toad and round the Jack Horner for a pig's ear. A living language is one that changes with the times so here are some humble suggestions to bring it up to date: 
Mobile Phone - Cotes Du Rhone.
Satellite Telly - Sally and Nelly.
Xbox - Scotch on the Rocks.
Router - Fish on a Scooter.
Selfie - Stan and Elsie.
iPod - Wink and a Nod.
iPad - Auntie Glad.
Digital Radio - Admiral Horatio.
Cappuccino - Day trip to Reno or, if you prefer, a Dandy and Beano.

I'm sure you can think of many more and all suggestions will be gratefully received. I will forward our proposals on to the Culture Secretary and hopefully I will get a huge chunk of European money to compose a definitive dictionary. I will need some assistants so if anyone wants to be exceptionally well paid just for thinking up stupid rhymes all day please forward your CV. All aboard the gravy train.

The Prophesy .

There has been a terrible mistake. A small error made by a scribe dressed in 
robes and dusty sandals while translating the bible for the authorised version. Perhaps it was a Friday afternoon and the hot Italian sun was blazing in the window and he became distracted. Just a tiny slip made a handful of years after Christ has meant a great prophesy has come to pass and no one has noticed. The geek has indeed inherited the earth.

Those thin, weedy people with bad breath and no friends have finally emerged from their lonely and isolated bedrooms, blossomed in the halls of education where they studied the black magic of computer science and gone to live in a world where you can have hundreds of like-minded friends without actually speaking to anyone or meeting them face to face. However, the non-geeks are not taking this lying down and in the geek El Dorado know as Silicone Valley things are not going so well. There seems to be a twin pronged backlash.

Firstly, the San Francisco locals are mighty peeved that the high earning employees of Google and Facebook are moving into their neighbourhoods, pushing the rents up astronomically and forcing them out. The indigenous poor people have taken to stoning the luxury buses laid on the take the employees to their high-tech temples and hassling them at the bus stops while they are waiting. Just like being back at school for the poor nerds no doubt. They'll be having their lunch money stolen next.

The second prong seems to be the objection some people feel to others wearing the Google glasses. This seems to be a bridge to far for many people. The concern seems to be that people are recording friends and strangers alike without their consent. It seems we are being 'papped' all the time and with the recent furore over the 'upskirt photo' issue and the fact that you could appear on You tube for the world to gawk at any time they do have a valid point. A number of the bars and restaurants in the Silicone Valley area have banned them to protect their patrons' privacy.

The attitude of these new lords of the earth is to accelerate the pace of technological change whether or not us less tech savvy mortals want it, need it or can even keep up. There are plans afoot where I live to install a driverless car system which runs from the train station to the shopping centre. According to my local paper the general consensus is that no one will use it and it's a waste of money but the techies are aiming at driverless cars being commonplace on our roads within the next ten years. It will be interesting to see who is right.

The problems experienced in the Silicone Valley may be the beginnings of the Luddite counter revolution. Perhaps the masses will rise up and smash their IPhones and tablets or, more sensibly, not buy them in the first place. Does anyone know what happens in the bible after the world has been inherited?

Superman

I am as perfect as it's possible to be. Most people I know have one form of label or another. It can be for physical or mental health, lifestyle or a social disadvantage or belonging to one of the ever growing number of identifiable minority groups. All these labels that are applied to people carry the implication that the person is not quite normal in some respect. Perhaps at a disadvantage to others or having a peculiarity which marks them in some way to make them different from the rest of us. I have no such labels hence I must be the yardstick by which everyone else is measured, hence I must be perfect. I am superman.

I am a white, Anglo-saxon protestant in the homeland of such people. No one discriminates against me because of my nationality, colour or religion. I went to school in a normal comprehensive; I'm married with children and go to work. Therefore, I'm not on benefits, gay or disadvantaged because of my education. I have managed to propagate my genes as a human is supposed to. I am not on anybody's statistics table.

I'm not vegetarian so I am not restricted to the token 'veggie' dish on the restaurant menu. The one that makes the waiter roll their eyes because they have to ask the chef to rifle the bottom of the larder only to find they have run out. I can eat practically anything and can't be considered fussy. I don't have a fit because the food I want comes with peas. 

I am in good physical health and am rarely sick. My teeth and my hair are all my own and nothing has been removed or fallen off. I am not allergic to anything and I have no recurring problems or old war-wounds that require me to be signed of sick from time to time. I have no mental health issues and take no drugs prescribed or otherwise. I am not dyslexic and my eyesight is not particularly bad. I am not rich or famous and I would not be deemed vulnerable. I am distinctly average and therefore perfect and clearly superman. On the other hand does that make me dull, uncommitted and bland? Superman; more like Clarke Kent.

What's in a Name.

We went out to dinner the other evening and Dearly Beloved had to get some cash out from the ATM. She put her card in, punched in the pin, the card was returned and we waited for the money, then we waited a little longer and then a little longer and still no money appeared. The machine thanked us for our custom and kindly advised us to insert our card in to begin the transaction. We certainly wanted to insert something into its smug little slot but it wasn't our cards. The problem with this is not that we didn't have any money; it's that she'd have to phone the bank to sort it out.

You can always tell when you are speaking to a foreign call centre. They always sound as if they're very far away (which they are) and the call-taker speaks in English with a peculiar accent which is a blend of Asian and American. They also pronounce our name wrong, Mead. It's not an uncommon name but it's always pronounced 'med' as in Head. Ooh Mr Med they say, it's Meed I say, I'm Sorry Mr Med, they reply. I don't really mind although it really annoys the wife. If Mr Head rings up they probably pronounce it heed and get corrected again. I appreciate that the English language is difficult but how do they cope with names such as Beaumont, Creighton, or Farquharson especially when delivered with a heavy regional accent.

In one of my previous incarnations I used to deal with people from India and Bangladesh and they always use to call me Mr Steven. Indians can have any number of names although there are only about a dozen to choose from in total and the family name doesn't have to be at the end. I have noticed over time that Asian names have become more westernized in this respect and they generally put the family name last although they still have at least four names each.

'What terrible snow we are having isn't it.'

Pity the poor Polish living in this country. They have names that consist of combinations of letters that are a scrabble players nightmare, all z's and c' and y's and are almost unpronounceable. I have had occasion to ask a Polish person to spell their name which threw them into delightful confusion. The polish alphabet has thirty two letters with three different types of Zs and two each of C, N and Ls. It just doesn't translate; there are no equivalents in English. How would our Asian call taker handle Szczepan Skrzypczak for example?

I love Sri-lanken names, they often have at least ten letters in the first name and another ten in the second and often many more. At first glance they are daunting to pronounce but they are actually phonetic. If you pronounce it how it sounds you can't go wrong. Try 'Velupillai Prabhakaran' on for size.

Other countries have naming traditions which we don't get in this country. In predominately Catholic countries where babies are traditionally named after saints you get a Name Day which is like an extra birthday. It seems like the Catholics in this country are missing out on a lifetimes worth of extra presents. The downside is that as there are only 365 days a year, if you want your child to have a name day there are only 132 names you can choose from if you discount the names for the opposite sex. That's why there is nobody called Skyblue, Rocky or Apple in France and everyone in Corfu is called Spiros as he is the Island's special saint.

In Sweden, your child's name has to be approved by the government for its appropriateness. You have five years to register it or face a 5000 kroner fine and a court appearance. One young family seems to have got away with 'Metallica' though after a court battle. I can just hear it now ' Hi, my names Metallica Pantera Byquist and I've lost my bank card.