Achtung Baby.

Britain used to have an Empire and it was the largest Empire the world has ever seen. The French, Dutch and Portuguese have also had a crack at world domination and made a fairly good job of it. The Greeks and Italians under the guise of Romans are legendary for spreading their respective cultures and the benefits of their wisdom. The Austro-Hungarian Empire was the second largest country in Europe after Russia at its peak, but what about the Germans?

The Germans have proved a dismal failure at world domination despite at least two serious attempts. Even during the great land grabs of the 16th, 17th and 18th centuries they were non-starters apart from a few footholds in Africa. In all other respects they are a great nation. They have a fistful of Nobel prizes, some of the greatest composers ever born and have been one of the world's industrial giants. They are a proud and warlike nation, however, they are rubbish at conquest. 

One of the enduring legacies of our formally vast Empire is that a large portion of the world speak English including the Americans who make most of the film and music which is exported to the rest of the globe. This is great as it means that I can converse with waiters and bar-staff with no problems at all when I'm holiday. Not so the Germans; no-one speaks German except the Germans and a smattering of their neighbours. This means that to converse on the world stage they are forced to speak English. Considering they are the financial and industrial powerhouse of Europe and carry the most political clout in the EU, this constant reminder of their inadequacies must be extremely galling for them.

In the order of world's rankings for languages spoken, German comes a laggardly 10th with Spanish third and English second if you include non-native speakers (fourth if you don't). More people speak Japanese than German. Clearly then, the point of the EU is to conquer Europe by economic stealth and pass a law to make everyone speak German so they don't feel left out when on holiday. No wonder they appear austere and sour most of the time, it's a lack of good holidays.