Little Miss Muffet

What does September mean to you? In our house it means it's the start of spider season. It's the time of year when spiders that have been hiding under the floorboards growing fat decide to come out and party. The garden spiders also seem keen to join in as their large, bulbous, brown bodies suddenly appear in your shrubberies and conifers overnight.

My dearly beloved doesn't like spiders. In some households the little dark demons are left alone to wander about, but not in our home. No mercy is shown to the spindly fiends if they present themselves in the open. They are carefully captured, taken outside and stomped on. I have made the mistake of killing them indoors by squashing them against the walls but, unfortunately, the evidence remains for all to see until the next time I decorate. I have also tried to take them outside and release them but I am certain the little buggers run back in again. I believe I have had to capture the same large spider three or four times before now. Hence, the death sentence is mandatory. In the mornings I find myself checking all the likely places such as the in the bath and the sinks, on the stairs and in the corners of ceilings to prevent my honey getting a nasty surprise. She has been known to get me out of bed before now and I have even been called home from work for a spider in the linen basket on one occasion.

My lovely wife is not alone in her fear of the eight legged terrors. According to a particular statistic I read, 50% of women and 10% of men suffer from arachnophobia. Personally I think that's rubbish, it's much more than that. Fear of spiders is most common in European societies which is odd considering all the dangerous ones live on the other continents. According to the sages who are supposed to know these things, it developed as a survival instinct against the little critters. They also suggest it is so strong because spiders are small, common and adept at hiding in your house and therefore potentially more dangerous than some of the larger animals we have developed defences against.

There was a study where a wolf spider whose fangs had been covered in wax so he couldn't inject venom was allowed to hunt crickets in a tank. The crickets were then allowed to breed and the offspring put in the tank with the spider. The offspring of the crickets who had been exposed to the spider were much more likely to hide from the predator than crickets with no previous exposure. Eureka, shouted the scientists, that proves that fear of spiders can be passed from a mother to its unborn foetus. Unfortunately, the figure they claimed was 113% more likely which, as everyone knows, is a very unscientific figure. It tends to throw a shadow over their findings in my opinion.

They have developed virtual spiders now to assist in the treatment of arachnophobia. Personally, I think they should just make the patients watch the film of the same name which is so laughably ridiculous that it would cure anyone. Of course other things do happen in September, it's also the month of my brother's birthday but I don't think the two are connected.