In the corner of our kitchen, tucked under the work top next to the sink, sits a washing machine. It's a white box with a porthole door and a panel with some knobs and lights on just like every other washing machine. Just an ordinary household appliance... or so I thought.
My wife came to me the other day complaining that the washing machine wasn't spinning properly. She had tried to wash the bath mat and the damn thing refused to spin. In fact, it hadn't been spinning properly for weeks she informed me. We have insurance for just such an emergency so I rang the engineers and made an appointment for the following week. The charming girl I spoke to said I should check the filter because if it's blocked I will be charged a call out fee even though I'm insured. I did and it wasn't.
The day before the engineer was due I asked the wife if she had any further problems with the machine. 'No', she replied, 'it's been as good as gold'. Ah, I thought, I'm going to look a total lemon if the engineer turns up and there's nothing wrong with it, perhaps I should cancel him. But then I thought,If the charming girl was going to charge me for a blocked filter, they might charge me for a last minute cancellation. Not only that but,if it is playing up, it will take them another week to get someone round to fix it. I might as well let the appointment stand so the engineer can check it over while I play dumb by blaming the wife.
The engineer turned up pleasantly early and began his investigations. A short while later he popped his head round the door saying, 'I have done a diagnostics test and there is nothing wrong with it, what were you washing when you had the problem?' 'I don't know' I lied unconvincingly.
'It was probably a bath mat' he said eyeing me suspiciously.
'I don't know' I blustered 'I will have to ask the wife'. And there it was... caught out in a lie by a kitchen appliance.
I thought I knew about washing machines, they are relatively simple things... not so. The engineer went on to explain how the machine won't spin unless it can balance the load to prevent too much movement. It will try three or four times on a gentle spin until it feels the load is balanced and then only spin when it feels it's safe. If it can't balance the load it won't spin and it couldn't balance a bath mat. The engineer went on to tell me that it also measures the murkiness of the water and will give it another wash if it feels it's necessary. The more recent versions also keep a log of what happened and when. It will tell the engineer if you have been overloading or under-loading it, if you have tried to wash a bath mat or if you use too much, or not enough, washing powder. It will even automatically adjust the auto programs to your way of washing.
Where will it all end? Will our ovens tell us off for cooking pizza four times in a week instead of something healthier? Will our fridges complain about too much fat content, or our freezers demand we eat those chicken kievs that have been frozen for over year?
Modern computers already have an annoying habit of thinking for themselves which I find incredibly frustrating. I'm never sure if it's maintaining itself or needs fixing when it does things unexpectedly. I don't mind household appliances being smarter than I am in principle, but I wish they would tell you when they are being clever. A simple message saying 'look, dummy, I am trying to balance the load' would have saved a lot of time and money.
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